Since I originally wrote in the blog heading that this blog would contain some parenting advice, I thought I would share some that I have found useful, although contradictory.
In the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and how to listen so kids will talk (Faber and Mazlish, a fantastic book) they point out that kids get really tired of being told what to do all the time, and keeping on telling them often breeds resentment and rebellion. Frankly, I get tired of telling them what to do all the time! They suggest alternative ways to get the kids to do the right thing. For example instead of "Pick your dirty clothes off the floor," describe the scene: "Hmm, I see a bunch of dirty clothes on the floor." Or use one word: "Clothes!"
This method has the advantage that it makes it seem as though picking the clothes off the floor is the child's idea, and so they are more willing to do the task. The funny thing is that it seems to work, at least as far as Eleanor is concerned. When I tell her "Get your shoes on!" she pouts and drags her feet and moves as slow as molasses. When I say, "Hmm, you seem to be missing something," she interprets it as a challenge, checks herself over, has an "Aha!" moment and runs to get on her shoes. (Well, perhaps not her shoes. It does work for other things, though.)
The other advice I remember is from a class my mom took called something like "Your Child's Self-esteem". I realize that the term self-esteem is fraught with difficulty, but the one piece of advice that I remember is that you should not expect your children to read your mind about what you want done. So if you want the jackets picked up off the floor, you should not make snide observations about the jackets and the hooks and the floor not being able to stand up under the weight of the jackets... You shouldn't get angry about the jackets being on the floor if you haven't actually asked the kids to pick them up. Just ask for what you need, and then negotiate from there!
This piece of advice is especially valuable for marriages. If you want flowers or something, either ask for them, or don't feel bad if you don't get them. Do not get mad at your family for not reading your mind. It is applicable for children as well.
So here's the problem: Not telling your children what to do helps them be more willing to do it. Telling them what to do helps them do it. I'm not sure what to do with the contradiction, although I suppose that the more tools I have in the toolbag, the better. Any thoughts?
In the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and how to listen so kids will talk (Faber and Mazlish, a fantastic book) they point out that kids get really tired of being told what to do all the time, and keeping on telling them often breeds resentment and rebellion. Frankly, I get tired of telling them what to do all the time! They suggest alternative ways to get the kids to do the right thing. For example instead of "Pick your dirty clothes off the floor," describe the scene: "Hmm, I see a bunch of dirty clothes on the floor." Or use one word: "Clothes!"
This method has the advantage that it makes it seem as though picking the clothes off the floor is the child's idea, and so they are more willing to do the task. The funny thing is that it seems to work, at least as far as Eleanor is concerned. When I tell her "Get your shoes on!" she pouts and drags her feet and moves as slow as molasses. When I say, "Hmm, you seem to be missing something," she interprets it as a challenge, checks herself over, has an "Aha!" moment and runs to get on her shoes. (Well, perhaps not her shoes. It does work for other things, though.)
The other advice I remember is from a class my mom took called something like "Your Child's Self-esteem". I realize that the term self-esteem is fraught with difficulty, but the one piece of advice that I remember is that you should not expect your children to read your mind about what you want done. So if you want the jackets picked up off the floor, you should not make snide observations about the jackets and the hooks and the floor not being able to stand up under the weight of the jackets... You shouldn't get angry about the jackets being on the floor if you haven't actually asked the kids to pick them up. Just ask for what you need, and then negotiate from there!
This piece of advice is especially valuable for marriages. If you want flowers or something, either ask for them, or don't feel bad if you don't get them. Do not get mad at your family for not reading your mind. It is applicable for children as well.
So here's the problem: Not telling your children what to do helps them be more willing to do it. Telling them what to do helps them do it. I'm not sure what to do with the contradiction, although I suppose that the more tools I have in the toolbag, the better. Any thoughts?