Otherwise known as Elastigirl, a.k.a Mrs. Incredible. She is a stay at home mom (SAHM), she clearly feels that what she is doing is important and is willing to give up a lot to do it (remember her comment in the intro: "I'm at the top of my game! Leave saving the world to the guys? I don't think so.") But she is finding fulfillment in leading her family from day to day, in doing a hard job well. She also knows that she is very talented, and that knowledge helps her see beyond the repetitive drudgery of staying home.
My favorite scene is from the deleted introduction, where she talks with a "career woman" who is of the opinion that staying home is fine for people who can't do anything else. She responds that taking care of her kid is at least as hard as saving the world, and is valuable contribution to society.
The point for me is that someone has to do the job that I'm doing, and it's not something that you could pay someone to do. I see myself as the manager of the house, like my husband is a manager at work. This does mean that I keep track of details that Michael doesn't ("It's one thing to change a diaper, it's another thing to pack a diaper bag") which can feel oppressive at times. But the main point is that we have to be a team. Mr. Incredible's line "I work alone" doesn't work for the father _or_ for the mother. Michael is definitely the public face of our family right now, someone needs to do that job too. I wish I could get recognition from someone other than my husband and kids (and mostly not our kids)---a paycheck would be nice. But as long as we have a common goal, and are working together for something that is worthwhile, I feel valued and (mostly) fulfilled.
(This post didn't come out like I wanted it to. But writing it felt good, and maybe a year from now I'll be able to write it more coherently =)
My favorite scene is from the deleted introduction, where she talks with a "career woman" who is of the opinion that staying home is fine for people who can't do anything else. She responds that taking care of her kid is at least as hard as saving the world, and is valuable contribution to society.
The point for me is that someone has to do the job that I'm doing, and it's not something that you could pay someone to do. I see myself as the manager of the house, like my husband is a manager at work. This does mean that I keep track of details that Michael doesn't ("It's one thing to change a diaper, it's another thing to pack a diaper bag") which can feel oppressive at times. But the main point is that we have to be a team. Mr. Incredible's line "I work alone" doesn't work for the father _or_ for the mother. Michael is definitely the public face of our family right now, someone needs to do that job too. I wish I could get recognition from someone other than my husband and kids (and mostly not our kids)---a paycheck would be nice. But as long as we have a common goal, and are working together for something that is worthwhile, I feel valued and (mostly) fulfilled.
(This post didn't come out like I wanted it to. But writing it felt good, and maybe a year from now I'll be able to write it more coherently =)
Comments
As far as I'm concerned, feminism increases the status of the full-time moms for the following reason: When women (and men, really) who have the opportunity to earn money and respect in the business and professional world and choose nonetheless to stay home with their kids instead, they demonstrate that homemaker is not just a role that one settles for but is a role that has value (as I discussed here).
I'd far rather hear a SAHM saying "I'm a feminist; I'm glad I had the opportunities I had and that this role was a choice and not an obligation; I am confident that I've made the best choice for myself and my family, thus I don't feel threatened by other women -- whose situation and talents are different from mine -- choosing differently." In my ideal fantasy world, women can talk about how they're happy about the choices they've made without implying that other women's choices are wrong, and can hear about other women's successes without seeing it as an attack on their own choices.
And I'm sorry to say something that comes off as negative on a post that is overall positive and affirmative of women's roles and women's work. It's just that this is one of my big issues: I feel like women should be working together to increase womens options/opportunities in general, including fighting for choices that one wouldn't choose for oneself.
That's a really good point. The scene from the movie could easily be interpreted as part of the created conflict between "career women vs. SAHM", which is a good reason for its being deleted (the other reasons being that it didn't do a good job of character development and it just wasn't as good as the rest of the movie). In context, I saw it more as Helen saying "You need to be careful about the assumptions you make about who I am based on what I am doing with my life," as well as what I see as a feminist response, "Just because what I am doing is seen as women's work doesn't make it less valuable than your work."
At the time I was writing the article, I was listening to two women being interviewed on a call in show (NPR, the state of things, www.wunc.org/tsot) about the reason that very talented women were leaving the work force. Their response, as I heard it, was that we need to change the world of work so that these talented women can get working again. I don't disagree that the work world needs some fixing, but the assumption that everything would be better if all these women got back to work is a bit insulting to me. (They said many other valuable things, and they probably didn't mean to sound the way I heard it). I know women who choose to work hear others denigrating their choice: I certainly hear many (even supposedly open minded, modern feminists on the radio) denigrating my choice to not work.
I think the point that I meant to make about Mrs. Incredible was less about her career choice, but more to say that she got her sense of self worth not from external, public responses (like a pay check, a degree, or public recognition of her abilities), but from her own knowledge of her secret identity, her own power and strength of character, and her important role for those she loves. That's my goal, and to the degree that I succeed, I can support and encourage other people where they are. If I fail, I end up being defensive, and not supportive of people different from me.
(Now, if I could only have said that last paragraph yesterday =)
---Just for the record, I am not always going around in the self satisfied zen mode I talked about in the last paragraph. Even when I do feel that good about what I am doing, I still manage to yell at my kids and worry about them.
---Michael notes that the deleted scene I mentioned came from the actual experience of one of the wives of the directors or producers (according to the audio commentary). Also, I used to want to have a sign saying "I have a PhD in math" so that when I told people that I stay home with my kids, they wouldn't make assumptions about my intelligence.
---Chanson: Don't worry about coming off as negative, your perspective is important, interesting, and a good part of the conversation. Plus, if we can't talk about things that are important to us because they might be interpreted negatively, how can we expect people who have radical disagreements to even have a basic conversation?
Although I've been following your subsequent posts by RSS, I couldn't bring myself to load your blog for over a week because I felt bad about posting such a negative comment.
I've been contemplating this since my comment, and really this is an incredibly complicated subject. On the one hand, I sympathize with women who feel like they're being judged for following their talents and/or not wanting to compromise their economic security by sacrificing their careers in favor of their husbands'. At the same time, their protests can easily be taken as denigrating the value of staying home with toddlers.
Then, of course, there's your comment about feeling good about doing a good job at managing the household. That hit home because -- to put it mildly -- I royally suck at managing the household. (Not just cleaning but paperwork, repairs, appointments, etc.) At the same time, I'm happy for people who are good at it and proud of that -- I wish I were.
All I really mean is that I'd like to recognize that we all have different talents, yet ultimately we can work together...
I am really sorry you felt bad about posting a negative comment! I thought it was very appropriate, and you followed all the rules for making somewhat critical comments (talk about the post and the ideas, don't attack the poster, mention something you like about the post). It was quite helpful to me, actually, since it allowed me to clarify and refine my thinking.
Someday I'll post a negative comment on your blog and get back at you =). Of course I say that and I realize how hard posting even a semi-critical comment can be. My early training makes me inclined to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means keeping quiet about something I feel strongly about.
I am actually pretty bad at running a household, too. However, I do keep learning more about myself and about talents I hadn't dreamed I had. I have some friends who are also not so good at "housekeeping", so we can go to each other's houses and not be embarrassed... I try not to compare myself to my friends who have much more smoothly running houses.
I have so much more to say on this subject, but unfortunately it is too incoherent to make sense right now. It is indeed a very complicated topic. I would love to talk about it again sometime, if you'd be willing. I do believe that we can all work together and support each other.
thanks,
your friend
Women get a huge amount of negative feedback for any and all of the following choices: being "just" a SAHM, "selfishly" working when they have kids, and not having kids. It's common to respond to this by lashing out at women who have made opposite choices, so -- like the example of the deleted scene -- you really do get tons of real life nastiness from real-life other women, even if (like me!) you live in a magical idealism-world where all women could be cooperating! :D
To respond to that problem, I love the Grandma's advice in Persepolis: "In this life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s their own stupidity that makes them act that way. That will keep you from responding to their meanness. There’s nothing worse in this world than bitterness and revenge. Hold your head up and stay true to yourself."
p.s. If you'd like to get me back with a critical comment, I've put up a post which may be a good candidate. I didn't write it for your "benefit" (I had a couple of other people in mind), but you may have something to say about it. After all, we've had a pretty constructive discussion on this topic here! :D
I saw the topic on your blog, and I did indeed think about posting a comment. Unfortunately, my brain was fried, and we had to leave to go to the mountains the next day, and I knew I wouldn't do the topic justice. Maybe next time... =)