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Praising kids

The problem with having so many blog posts and a not very good labeling system is that I can't tell if I've posted about this before. However, it is worth talking about again, as I apply ideas and think about what does and doesn't work...

A while ago I found the best article I've read about how to praise kids: The Power and Peril of Praising your Kids from New York Magazine. The executive summary is that kids praised in the wrong way will have less confidence, take fewer risks and perform worse than kids praised in more effective ways. You should all go read the article right now, even if it means you won't have time to finish reading my blog---it's a great article. One great line:
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."
I would have filed this in the realm of nice but impractical ideas, except for two things:
  • The FNDP (friendly neighborhood developmental psychologist) vouched for the researchers and their skills, and
  • It was becoming clear that either Eleanor or I would not make it through her kindergarten year---she was going through a frustrating stage which involved not listening, throwing fits if something went wrong, not being helpful...
Michael and I decided to stop telling Eleanor that she was smart, or good at something, and start praising her for specific acts. This sounds really hokey when you begin: "I like the way you put on your jacket," or "You ate that very neatly." The experiment would have ended, except that it worked! Eleanor could see that we appreciated her effort and tried harder. She was in control by her actions, not just by "being smart". The best was praising her for being careful---if she was even the tiniest bit careful and I noticed it, she became even more careful.

A friend asked me how to start doing this. I think my piece of advice would be to think about what part of the act you want the child to repeat. If you praise it, you'll see it again.

Too often for me, "good job!" means "You did that the way I wanted you to," without any further guidance about what the child can try to do again. For example, the other day Eleanor helped carry her car seat from one vehicle to another. Thinking about what things I wanted Eleanor to do next time, I said, "Thank you for helping!" and "You are carrying that very carefully," and "I can tell the car seat is heavy. You're working hard to carry it."

When I'm at a loss about what to say, "Good work" is almost always applicable. When Eleanor or Amanda is showing that she is smart, I say "Good thinking," instead of "You're so smart." I like "Good thinking" also because the child doesn't have to be absolutely correct in her thinking in order be thinking well.

Is this the answer for everyone? Probably not---different kids are motivated by different things. But it can't hurt to try it and see. My other problem with this theory is that it makes kids seem a bit like pigeons or mice to be conditioned, instead of individuals with individual personalities and spirits. I don't have an answer to this, except to say that following nutritional guidelines doesn't mean we don't have individual needs and desires for food, and following guidelines for helpful interactions doesn't mean that we are spiritless automatons with identical reactions either.

Comments

kadia said…
On the other hand, if you, as a parent, want to have a positive impact on your child's behavior and values, how else can you teach them? Logical discussions about the concepts of good and bad and right and wrong are not likely to carry much weight on their own.

Good thinking!!!
Lenise said…
Paul had told me about this before. It sounded good to me,but I'm glad to hear your local authority vouch for it too. I often forget the prescriptive and only remember the "No telling your kids they're smart!!" I'm trying to do better at specific praise...
Danlj said…
1: A couple of year ago, I praised my friend Neil for the good job he'd done raising his kids. He said his philosophy is, "You get what you pay attention to."

He explained that parents who pay a lot of attention to negative things - drugs, alcohol, sex, and so on, get these things from their kids, and by giving negative things only a little attention, and giving positive things a lot of attention, you get the positive things.

I've noticed that he never makes comments about his kids' character, but always seems to notice what they are trying to get noticed: what they're concerned about, the things they're proud of themselves for, the things they've done that were hard or brave or unselfish.

2: "name-calling" is troublesome because it creates a false self-image and an overgeneralized expectation. I think this is true even for favorable name-calling ("you're an angel").

3: We parents "pay attention" to behavior very usefully be telling stories about what OTHER people have done, and evaluating their wisdom. Kids love stories, and we can very effectively shape their attitudes and behavior by telling stories about the wise and unwise things others have done, and the consequences.

The great thing about story-telling is that the child isn't distracted by shame or frustration or smugness - the child can internalize the lesson without it getting "personal."

4: Story-telling is analogous to explaining. Kadia is right. Kids need and appreciate explanations. I recall that my father (falsely) believed that his authority was undermined by stooping to explain his decisions to his kids. This was deeply frustrating to the child, actually, and he passed up hundreds of teachable moments, when his kid was really, sincerely wondering, "why"?

One of the few things I did right with my own kids was to always, always, always explain -- in terms that they seemed to understand.

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